Miss Peaches Is The Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened to Ben Mintz

I’m a dad… First and foremost. 

As a result, other aspects of my life (job, friends, mistresses, etc) take a back seat. Sometimes that’s unfortunate, but that’s just the way it is. 

Well, now Dave’s a dad, and from the clips I have seen on social media, he adopted a real bitch. Miss Peaches has a taste for expensive remotes, designer wallets, and high-quality baseball hats. On top of that, she fucks with something that many people prioritize over all else… Sleep. 

I casually said at the start of the last paragraph that “now Dave’s a dad,” and some people may have a tough time accepting the title of “dad” being bestowed on a pet owner. But I believe in my heart that Dave loves his dog as much as most people love their kids, so he’s going to have to spend time and money forgiving the indiscretions his dog commits and even more time and money training her to get back on the straight and narrow… Just like my parents did when I was addicted to laxatives and anime porn. 

That will require a LOT of patience, and patience is NOT an infinite resource… It runs out after a while. 

So what are we left with?… A situation where the sleep-deprived president of a CEO-less company filled with morons (myself included) has a new priority, one that does not work for him. And this new priority is draining him of his money and patience. 

That bodes poorly for people who work for Dave’s second priority- Barstool Sports. And it’s particularly concerning for employees that have a history of fucking up. 

“Barstool employee with a history of fucking up?… Who could that be, Large?”

We all know the answer… It’s Ben Mintz. Barstool’s lovable lug who can accidentally blurt out a racial slur in the same afternoon he can accidentally blurt out a spoiler to an expensive Barstool production. 

It’s no secret that I love Ben… He nearly got me to buy another Brick watch. But I also know that Ben, more than most, has a distinct INABILITY to allow his brain to catch up to his mouth. Mintzy has no hate in his heart nor rope in his trunk, but with a camera constantly in your face, that inability can prove to be ruinous IF you don’t work for a boss who is patient when you chew up his wallet (metaphorically). 

So what’s a guy like Ben to do?

I think he should get his ass down to Miami, rent a tiny apartment walking distance from Dave’s mansion, binge-watch Cesar Milan videos, and offer to train the SHIT out of Miss Peaches… This time, bring along some bones, hugs, and harmony, and he'll probably have Peaches walking a straight line by the first of April.

And the quicker Ben gets that bitch on the straight and narrow, the quicker he can go back to accidentally shitting all over Dave's living room rug (again, metaphorically).

Good luck, Ben.

Take a report. 

-Large